Am I Helping My Partner Cheat?
And other questions for your poly big sister
You asked for advice, LET’S BEGIN! Congrats to the first submission which had such a complicated poly dynamic I decided to add names to make it make sense.
Helping ‘Em Lie, Ethical or Not
My gf and I have been dating for 5 years. We do kitchen table polyamory and my gf’s partner has started dating one of my casual NB partners. I’m fine with that but this partner and I are casual because their spouse doesn’t want them to have emotionally-based relationships. Things with them and my gf’s partner are getting intense. My gf’s gf treats this person like a potential primary. She wants to take them to meet her family and they seem into it! They don’t sleepover with me because their spouse doesn’t allow it, but they had a sleepover with gf’s gf when their spouse was out of town. My gf and I found out about it. She doesn’t think it’s our business. I feel like I’m helping them cheat on their spouse if I keep this secret. Maybe they have a different agreement with their spouse and it’s none of my business? We should be open and ethical, this feels sneaky.
Ok, HELEN, Let me see if I got this straight: you are in a relationship with your girlfriend (let’s call her Molly). Molly is dating another woman (let’s call her Susan). In addition to Molly, you’re also casually dating a married non-binary person (let’s call them Lief). Lief and Susan are now hooking up too. This is all fine between you and Molly because you practice Kitchen Table Polyamory. BUT, your partner Lief has a primary and doesn’t practice KTP, which is why you’re casual. So now you’re confused because Lief and Susan are not being casual at all.
OKAY! THIS IS A POLY PROBLEM. First of all, Helen, Lief is maybe breaking the rules. You don’t know for sure. Maybe their primary knows about Susan and has different rules for them. Maybe their primary has no idea. Molly is right, that part isn’t really your business. But what is your business? Lief’s actions! Even if you two are casual, who wants a casual partner capable of lying and deceiving people they say they care about? You gotta go talk to Lief and see what they say. If you trust them to tell you the truth, that’ll give you a lot of clarity.
And since you’re doing things KTP style, I think it’s fair to talk directly to Susan if Molly doesn’t want to. If you and Susan are close, it makes sense to share your concerns. Lief could end up hurting Susan and you’re looking out for her. She’s making plans for the future when she might not know she’s splitting up a marriage. This is definitely a sneaky situation that does not pass the ethical non-monogamy test.
I hope Lief’s primary is cool with their new relationship. If that’s all good, you might want to have a conversation with Lief about your dynamic and why it’s remained casual. Do you want more from them? Do you want a relationship like they have with Susan? Personally, I think Susan and Lief are being messy and I’d end things with Lief. Molly seems fine with the situation, but at least she’ll also have more info to make a decision on staying with Susan.
There’s just no reason to deal with messy situations like this when things are supposed to be open. Lief and Susan’s failures to communicate could get people’s feelings hurt. Sounds like everyone involved has someone else they can date anyway! Free up some space at that kitchen table!
Pregnant And Understanding Loneliness Again
I was dating the husband part of a couple for 2 years. We broke up because when I got pregnant, I wanted an abortion. I figured everyone involved would want that. Then he told me they wanted to keep the baby. I know his wife and have spent a lot of time with her. We get along. She dates other people and I never thought she was jealous of me or anything. They said they’d take care of me, like a surrogacy situation. I got the abortion. I don’t want to be pregnant and I don’t want to be tied to this couple forever. Their request was crazy to me. He broke up with me over it. I think it’s stupid we ended things over a wild request that was totally out of the question. Should I reach out? How do I fix this?
PAULA, YOU DO NOT FIX THIS. PAULA, THANK GOD YOU GOT OUT. PAULA, RUN AND DON’T STOP UNTIL YOU ARE ON A DATE WITH SOMEONE NEW. They wanted you to HAVE THEIR BABY without wondering if you WANTED TO BE PREGNANT. It’s not like it’s an easy 9 months, you’d be giving them your body! your health! If you reach out to that man, it should only be to say, “Thank you for doing what needed to be done.” Only part of the husband’s actions I support here!
This was more than a wild request, it was a sign that they did not see you as a full person who may have things going on over the next 9 months. Even Pope Leo would bless this abortion. Congrats on your freedom, PAULA!!
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The fake non-binary name literally killed me! Paula, you are highly blessed. Run far far away!
The relationship seems more complicated.